So somebody makes a pretty direct statement to and about you. Like: “you’re wrong!” How does that make you feel? Cornered maybe? Defensive? Challenged? It doesn’t feel good, does it?
What if they had asked it as a question instead? Like: “could it be that you’re wrong on this?” Could that have taken some of the “sting” out of it? And left some room open for you to respond more cosntructively?
Depending on the context or situation of course, I learned that making a direct statement can close communication channels down; risking the hardening of responses. They can also open you up more to being challenged, and give the other person a chance to deflect away from the point you are trying to make by “digging in” to an aspect of the statement or the way it was delivered.
Sometimes statements can come across as passing judgement or offending the other person. The same statement as a question can soften that substantially, can’t it? Questions can be less confronting and leave the door open so “nothing wrong was said”.
This may appear more difficult for those of you who have “high D” dominant personalities; people that are perhaps more accustomed to “telling” rather than asking. This transition is sometimes quite difficult. One way of “easing your way into it” is by ending statements with a question, you know what I mean? It can already tone the statement down, can’t it?
Also, questions allow people to come to the answers themselves which can be so much more productive in engaging them and having them “buy-in” to the issue or solution or outcome. However, after asking a question, it is important to not jump in to rescue them, but to leave them the time and space to consider the question, possible options and to come up with a better answer.
I remember getting quite annoyed when I came up with an “I don’t know” answer to a question and my coach saying to me: “what if you did know – what might the answer be?” I remember thinking: “if I knew, I wouldn’t have said I don’t know, would I?”
Remember my suggesting to add “yet” immediately after encountering the “I don’t know”?
Well this is a great extension to that and I have since learned that a good response to an “I don’t know” is indeed “what if you did know”.
- Firstly it prevents the “cop out” (remember “I don’t know” can be a tactic for wanting to be rescued or to prevent having to think about an answer too much)
- Secondly it forces that person to engage in having their unconscious give them some options.
I remember realising how well that worked. It’s become second nature to me now.
A further “stretch” for this approach can be to ask them who else they know that might be able to answer this question, and after allowing them to think about that, to ask how they thought that person might answer the question.
I have also learned to prepare the soil for a message by saying first: “I could be totally wrong here, but I have a hunch. Is it OK to ask you a question?” Then only ask: “Could it be that….?” That leaves everything open. They can say I’m wrong, and I’ll back off (at that point in time). However, often that is all that is required without anything else being said for them to “try it on”. Or they know I’m right and they need to do something about it, without anything further needing to be said, right? Or I can follow up at a more opportune time or when I have gathered more evidence etc.
So why don’t you try this on this week? Think of “the gap” and before launching into a bold statement, think of how you might better ask it as a question. Particularly if you are a strong, dominant personality more used to “telling”? Why not try couching things more in the form of questions and see how that affects your communications with those around you? It is part of the language of diplomacy.
Tags: The gap
